Personal Philosophy
Starting
from a young age, I knew that something was right with me. I was always just too
much of everything, too loud, too outgoing, too open, too expressive, too
emotional, too angry, too sad, too loving. My mom chalked it up to the hormones
of growing up and being what she calls “her most creative child”. Starting from
about 6th grade, I was being bullied really badly and started seeing
a counselor on the regular for the next 6 years. I was in constant
communication with the school counselors because most of the time I had no one
else to listen to me. But none of them referred to me an actual therapist. I
had been struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm since the
age of 13 and no one thought to get me professional help. So really all of this
started really young but it wasn’t until after an abusive relationship, a manic
episode, the worst depression I’ve ever had, and failing all of my classes from
first semester of college that someone listened to me. It was then, the day
after my 19th birthday that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
This
diagnosis has ultimately changed my life. Sometimes for the better and other
times it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My relationships with my
whole family has changed, I’ve lost friends and it has impacted my romantic
relationships. But at the end the day I wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, my life
is much more difficult. I have to have extra flexibility in my life in regards
to work and school, because sometimes I just can’t. And the best part is most
of the time I have no idea if I’m flying off the handle because for me, my
emotions are in a constant state of change. This is where my stability is. I
always know that life is going to change from one second to the next and I live
my life that way. But I’m brought back down to earth through the medications
that haven’t changed in 3 years. I’ve seen three different doctors since I was diagnosed,
all to confirm it and all have. I’m currently on 5 medications as well that
have all given me reasons to keep going. It’s not easy. But life took a positive
turn in January 2015. I took my first psychology class, and then I was hooked.
I needed to know more about the human condition. I needed to know more about
the brain. My brain. But it didn’t all come in just taking one class. Then
before I knew I had changed my major and I was a psychology major. I was so
interested in learning the why behind my actions and the actions of others that
I kept going. I’m in the 7th semester now and still going strong. My
reality is sometimes distorted but because of medical professionals, I can be
kept safe from myself.
From my own
life experience, I don’t want anyone to have to go through the living hell that
was my life from the time I was 9 years old and up. My philosophy is that we
need to education everyone single person from a young age because most of them
don’t know that how they are feeling isn’t normal. And we need to education the
parents of these kids because they are calling depression, and anxiety and ADHD
growing pains. I’ve heard too many stories and lost too many friends because
their parents and friends were uneducated on what to look for when their friend
or child is suicidal. I want everyone to know that they can live a full life
with mental illness. Being 16 and feeling sad and ignored is not the end of
line. There is so much more to live for beyond high school. There is so much to
live for period. I find in college that people are more willing to go to the
doctor to get diagnosed because no one else is saying that what they feel is
normal. My goal as a health psychologist to help other people see that though,
yes, I have bipolar disorder, I can still do amazing things. I’m not done yet.
I’ve had set backs and I take extra time and I need extra support but that
doesn’t mean I can’t succeed!
Everyone
needs to be heard. Everyone needs to feel like they matter. For myself, my goal
is to impact as many people as I can. And I know won’t save everyone that comes
through my doors. But I can do my darnedest to try! This world has so much
beauty in it and too many people get caught in the everyday battle that they
forget to look at the stars and marvel at what a glorious miracle it is that we
are even in existence. Since my diagnosis, it has been so important to me to have
those moments where I can contempt my existence in the grand scheme of things.
That I, as one person, can affect the world and change people and give them
hope and purpose! I feel so grateful the purpose I have because without it, I
would not be here. I wouldn’t be in school, I wouldn’t have the friends I do
and I wouldn’t love the people I do. I would be a decaying mess in the ground. Life
is hard. So hard. Like unbelievably hard. But in the end. I get to see my
children grow up, I get to be mom, I get to watch people change and grow and
learn and love. I get to see the stars in the sky and watch the seasons change.
I get to do face and hair masks and bubble baths! I get to read my favorite
books and climb mountains. I get to swim in oceans and see the wonders of the
world. All with having a brain that functions a little differently than yours.
And I can do it just as well as you can. Everyone can be successful with mental
illness. Everyone can love with mental illness. Everyone can matter. Period.
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