So I decided to start fresh from my other past blogs and create something new!
But I'm gonna be flat out honest.
I have bipolar disorder.
I'm overweight.
I'm Mormon.
I've made mistakes.
And sometimes I hate myself.
Since I was 11, I've always had a fear of not being able to have children. When other girls were getting their periods and I wasn't I was concerned. But my other body parts developed normally so I forgot about it for a while until I was 15 and recieved something called a Patriarchal blessing from my church. In it discussing a range of topics, from my career, to my husband to my children to how i'm going to impact the world. All wonderful things.
Except the part about my children. It has always left me kind of worried that they won't be mine. BUt at 15 I wasn't that concerned, my period hadn't started yet but lots of girls start late don't they?
And so it had been a passing topic. I would have a period that lasts no more than 2 daysif it even lasted that long at all and would go 9 months to a year without one at all. By the time I was 18 I knew something was up. I have remember in 5th grade going through sex ed and they told us that if you don't have a kind of normal period by the time you were 18 you should go talk to a doctor. Well at 18, I wasn't making the best of choices and ended up taking an emergency morning after pill. and that sparked a heay period that I hadn't had in a year and a half. And then I did it again two months later.
And that was 2 and half years ago.
That's right. I haven't had a period in 2 and a half years.
About a month ago I decided that I needed to figure out all of this period stuff. So I made an appointment.
On our second meeting with my new gynocologist. we did a vaginal ultrasound to see that that they couldn't see my ovaries. and then I was physically examined and other than my uterine lining being rather thick there wasn't anything wrong with me. They drew blood to check my horomones and everything was normal.
and So now I've been on birth control for a month and I'm on the blanks week and its three days in and I still do not have a period. What does this mean?
Will I not have children?
Was being told at 15 that there might be problems a warning that I could get used to it? Honestly I was hoping for some closure when I went to the doctor. That there was a clear reason as to why I'm not have a period. because of you don't have a period that means that you aren't ovulating which means you can't ever get pregnant. Which is a terrifying thought that at 21, I could be infertile.
Although I'm trying to keep my head and be calm, that realization isn't easy to overcome.
Who knows. We will see. I still have 4 days of the blanks so maybe I'll get one then. If not I'll have to call my doctor. I'm nervous.
