Everyday is a battle.
Everday is a struggle.
Everyday is a decision made to stay in the game.
To stay alive.
To stay sane.
Everyday I get up and I do the usual.
Shower
Class
Homework
Work
Homework
Sleep
Repeat.
This gets mundane to say the least.
As person with bipolar disorder, I crave constant change.
I thrive on it.
I love not knowing what the next minute is going to bring.
But at the same time.
I like to plan.
No. I love to plan.
I love planning out every thing I'm going to do that day.
Am I going to get it all done?
Who knows.
Literally no one, not even myself.
My life runs in circles.
Do this.
Don't do that.
Make sure you do this.
Oh and don't forget this.
Everyday is the same old game.
Everyday is like a never ending labrynith.
I'm fighting my way to the end of the maze,
Constantly one step behind the rest.
Occasionally though, my pace picks up and I sprint toward the front.
Which lasts for 5 seconds until my energy runs out.
Everyday is a choice for me.
Everyday I choose what to wear,
How to do my make up,
What I may or may not eat for breakfast,
Who to talk to,
When to do my homework,
If I take my meds,
If I try to sleep on time,
If I choose to keep going.
Its all my choice.
Until it isn't.
Until its 4am and my head is screaming and my life seems like its falling apart and nothing seems right and everything is wrong and all I do is try and try and try nothing comes of it and everything is mess and nobody cares and I don't matter and the world would be better off without me, and there isn't anyway to make it better and i'm screaming, screaming, screaming and no one hears me, they are all in the room, all talking to eachother and i'm in the middle of the room begging for someone to notice.
And then.
It's 10am.
And I'm breathing again.
I take a bath,
Or read a book,
Or light a candle,
And play music,
And take stock of what I'm doing right.
And then I choose to wake up,
And put aside my anxieties
And attack the next day with enthusiasm.
Repeat.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Until its rountine.
Which I hate.
No one asks.
No one cares.
Everyday is decision to walk alone.
Everyday is a decision of who to tell.
And those that are chosen don't realize that I'm reaching out,
That I need help,
That I'm dying inside.
I'm left behind,
Forgotten,
Unable to remind anyone that I exist.
All I do everyday is try to breathe.
And listen,
And learn,
And see what everyone else is going through.
Because my hard isn't comparable to their hard.
My hard is easier than their hard.
Because for someone else their pain is always greater than someone else's.
And So.
Everyday is a battle.
Everyday is a struggle
Everyday is choice
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: A Mental Health Analysis
So last month, I watched Fantastic Beasts and Where to find them starrying Eddie Redmayne and I must say I thought it was amazing. So well written and the CGI was amazing and it was great to get back into the Harry Potter universe!
But there was something I was thinking about after I saw it was the strong comparison for mental illness. We know that there is a character named Credence played by Ezra Miller, who does an amazing job at being the sad, lonely and conflicted character that he is. Now Credence we know is from a broken and abusive home and is the care of a hateful woman who's name I don't care to remember. She beats him and has a strong feeling that all magic exists and that that magic is all evil and should be condemned and destroyed. And that's just Credence's back story.
Now we jump over the main character, my bae, Newt Scamander. He is all good things in the world. He is funny and handsome and smart on his feet and has a love for all creatures in the world but in particular the mystical ones that no one understands. He gives those creatures hope for a safe new home which is why he is even in The United States in the first place!
Now because of some ill-timed events, chaos ensues and Newt loses his creatures and they go all over town trying to help back into his briefcase where they won't be harmed. When all the creatures are then caught the group of unlikely friends is faced with disturbing the peace and the US version of the Ministry of Magic comes into play. We figured that something dark and dangerous has come to light in the recent elections and that it scares everyone. No one is safe. This is where Newt figred out who the "Obsuccurist" is. And its in the teen boy Credence. eventually his own power becomes too much for him and he unleashes his power and begins to actually hurt people. The US MM decides that he just straight neesds to take him out because he is exposing magic and doesn't know how to control it. At the end of the movie, Newt comes to the rescue and tries his hardest to get Credence back to himself. We found earlier in the movie that Newt has some experience with obscurrists and has an idea on how to save Credence. But then the US MM steps in literally blows up Credence and any potential of saving him evaporates. Newt is saddened at this fact but after all he can do he is the one to discover that the mastermind behind the real problems is Grindewald, a wizard that everyone is after. End story! Shortest recap ever am I right?
Now unto the real stuff.
You guys know I have bipolar disorder and watching this movie was interesting for me because I've been Credence. With so much pain and anxiety and hurt and no way to express it without hurting the people he loves. So he tries to bury it. He tries to pretend it doesn't exist. No body understand him and no one really tries to. He is lost and alone. His pain is so great that it literally explodes out of him. Anyone with a mental illness can tell you that this happens on a regular basis. Most people aren't lucky enough to have a solid support where everyone understands your pain and is there to love you. Credence is the perfect example of how stigma can take away a person ability to reach out for help for fear of what could happen to them. I think its interesting in the movie that they are looking for a young child, one that is about to blow because they can't handle their powers or emotions. But really the kid is a teenager. And how true to real life is that teenager? He's alone and confused about who he is and what his purpose is. WHICH IS LITERALLY EVERY TEENAGER EVER.
Also something about it how the US MM decided to go about fixing this problem. They just wanted it go away by whatever means necessary. Instead of trying to find a way to save him, they kill him. They kill his potential to change to be good and to separarte him for the obscurrist. I can't hepl but compare the similarity between the US MM and our own mental health system in the United States. yeah there are people like Newt who desire to help individuals get through the hard stuff, and become more than that thought they could, but most of the time, people with mental illness are told to just take their meds and not talk about their struggles. They are taught to be quiet when they are struggling because no one wants to hear when some one is going through a hard time. No one wants to take the time to fix the problem which is never the patient's fault. I didn't ask for bipolar disorder and its not something I can control by myself. But I Can reach out to people for help. I can help lessen stigma in every way I can.
While writing this I was also thinking about Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, her character is known for beinga little on the weird side and I would dare to say that with her behavior if diagnosed in the real world, she would have been known as having a higher functioning mental illness. But over at Hogwarts, she is loved and protected but at the same time, she is still apart of the team that takes down Voldemort! Her illness doesn't hold her back, she is given the proper time over there to be herself and express herself how ever she wants to. Which is not case for Credence. Personally I think that there is a differenc with how we handle mental illness here in the States and how the UK does it. They have several progams in place and it seems like the stigma there isn't as bad as it here in the US, though several websites acknowledge that their country does have a growing issue with the mental states of their people.
Here in the US, we condemn those that struggle, We have a saying that's along the lines of don't feel bad because someone else is feeling worse. Implying that your problems don't compare to some elses. That your struggles are not enough to be considered important. When in reality, we should be thinking, that everyone's lives are hard in their own ways but that doesn't mean that your stuggles mean nothing. You are just as important and you matter.
Newt's character is the one that sees the magical beauty in all of his creatures and he sees it in Credence which is why he tries to save him. His whole role in the movie is to bring hope to those that are lost and have nowhere to go. Which is why he is bae. He makes the movie come back from being depressing and hopeless, to seeing that though you can't save everyone sure hell should try. and try has hard you can because everyone is worth your time and worth saving.
SO I loved this movie. But it also made angry when I thought about how Credence doesn't get that second chance to make it better. ***although rumors say he's not actually dead To be confirmed later***
Mental illness is such an important topic. And I'm grateful to JK Rowling for bring to light the harsh world that is faced when one has a mental illness, whether she really meant it that way or not. It has a profound impact.
Peace out my friends and Enjoy the Movie.
~Dara
But there was something I was thinking about after I saw it was the strong comparison for mental illness. We know that there is a character named Credence played by Ezra Miller, who does an amazing job at being the sad, lonely and conflicted character that he is. Now Credence we know is from a broken and abusive home and is the care of a hateful woman who's name I don't care to remember. She beats him and has a strong feeling that all magic exists and that that magic is all evil and should be condemned and destroyed. And that's just Credence's back story.
Now we jump over the main character, my bae, Newt Scamander. He is all good things in the world. He is funny and handsome and smart on his feet and has a love for all creatures in the world but in particular the mystical ones that no one understands. He gives those creatures hope for a safe new home which is why he is even in The United States in the first place!
Now because of some ill-timed events, chaos ensues and Newt loses his creatures and they go all over town trying to help back into his briefcase where they won't be harmed. When all the creatures are then caught the group of unlikely friends is faced with disturbing the peace and the US version of the Ministry of Magic comes into play. We figured that something dark and dangerous has come to light in the recent elections and that it scares everyone. No one is safe. This is where Newt figred out who the "Obsuccurist" is. And its in the teen boy Credence. eventually his own power becomes too much for him and he unleashes his power and begins to actually hurt people. The US MM decides that he just straight neesds to take him out because he is exposing magic and doesn't know how to control it. At the end of the movie, Newt comes to the rescue and tries his hardest to get Credence back to himself. We found earlier in the movie that Newt has some experience with obscurrists and has an idea on how to save Credence. But then the US MM steps in literally blows up Credence and any potential of saving him evaporates. Newt is saddened at this fact but after all he can do he is the one to discover that the mastermind behind the real problems is Grindewald, a wizard that everyone is after. End story! Shortest recap ever am I right?
Now unto the real stuff.
You guys know I have bipolar disorder and watching this movie was interesting for me because I've been Credence. With so much pain and anxiety and hurt and no way to express it without hurting the people he loves. So he tries to bury it. He tries to pretend it doesn't exist. No body understand him and no one really tries to. He is lost and alone. His pain is so great that it literally explodes out of him. Anyone with a mental illness can tell you that this happens on a regular basis. Most people aren't lucky enough to have a solid support where everyone understands your pain and is there to love you. Credence is the perfect example of how stigma can take away a person ability to reach out for help for fear of what could happen to them. I think its interesting in the movie that they are looking for a young child, one that is about to blow because they can't handle their powers or emotions. But really the kid is a teenager. And how true to real life is that teenager? He's alone and confused about who he is and what his purpose is. WHICH IS LITERALLY EVERY TEENAGER EVER.
Also something about it how the US MM decided to go about fixing this problem. They just wanted it go away by whatever means necessary. Instead of trying to find a way to save him, they kill him. They kill his potential to change to be good and to separarte him for the obscurrist. I can't hepl but compare the similarity between the US MM and our own mental health system in the United States. yeah there are people like Newt who desire to help individuals get through the hard stuff, and become more than that thought they could, but most of the time, people with mental illness are told to just take their meds and not talk about their struggles. They are taught to be quiet when they are struggling because no one wants to hear when some one is going through a hard time. No one wants to take the time to fix the problem which is never the patient's fault. I didn't ask for bipolar disorder and its not something I can control by myself. But I Can reach out to people for help. I can help lessen stigma in every way I can.
While writing this I was also thinking about Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, her character is known for beinga little on the weird side and I would dare to say that with her behavior if diagnosed in the real world, she would have been known as having a higher functioning mental illness. But over at Hogwarts, she is loved and protected but at the same time, she is still apart of the team that takes down Voldemort! Her illness doesn't hold her back, she is given the proper time over there to be herself and express herself how ever she wants to. Which is not case for Credence. Personally I think that there is a differenc with how we handle mental illness here in the States and how the UK does it. They have several progams in place and it seems like the stigma there isn't as bad as it here in the US, though several websites acknowledge that their country does have a growing issue with the mental states of their people.
Here in the US, we condemn those that struggle, We have a saying that's along the lines of don't feel bad because someone else is feeling worse. Implying that your problems don't compare to some elses. That your struggles are not enough to be considered important. When in reality, we should be thinking, that everyone's lives are hard in their own ways but that doesn't mean that your stuggles mean nothing. You are just as important and you matter.
Newt's character is the one that sees the magical beauty in all of his creatures and he sees it in Credence which is why he tries to save him. His whole role in the movie is to bring hope to those that are lost and have nowhere to go. Which is why he is bae. He makes the movie come back from being depressing and hopeless, to seeing that though you can't save everyone sure hell should try. and try has hard you can because everyone is worth your time and worth saving.
SO I loved this movie. But it also made angry when I thought about how Credence doesn't get that second chance to make it better. ***although rumors say he's not actually dead To be confirmed later***
Mental illness is such an important topic. And I'm grateful to JK Rowling for bring to light the harsh world that is faced when one has a mental illness, whether she really meant it that way or not. It has a profound impact.
Peace out my friends and Enjoy the Movie.
~Dara
Saturday, January 14, 2017
The Bipolar Side of Things
Personal Philosophy
Starting
from a young age, I knew that something was right with me. I was always just too
much of everything, too loud, too outgoing, too open, too expressive, too
emotional, too angry, too sad, too loving. My mom chalked it up to the hormones
of growing up and being what she calls “her most creative child”. Starting from
about 6th grade, I was being bullied really badly and started seeing
a counselor on the regular for the next 6 years. I was in constant
communication with the school counselors because most of the time I had no one
else to listen to me. But none of them referred to me an actual therapist. I
had been struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm since the
age of 13 and no one thought to get me professional help. So really all of this
started really young but it wasn’t until after an abusive relationship, a manic
episode, the worst depression I’ve ever had, and failing all of my classes from
first semester of college that someone listened to me. It was then, the day
after my 19th birthday that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
This
diagnosis has ultimately changed my life. Sometimes for the better and other
times it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My relationships with my
whole family has changed, I’ve lost friends and it has impacted my romantic
relationships. But at the end the day I wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, my life
is much more difficult. I have to have extra flexibility in my life in regards
to work and school, because sometimes I just can’t. And the best part is most
of the time I have no idea if I’m flying off the handle because for me, my
emotions are in a constant state of change. This is where my stability is. I
always know that life is going to change from one second to the next and I live
my life that way. But I’m brought back down to earth through the medications
that haven’t changed in 3 years. I’ve seen three different doctors since I was diagnosed,
all to confirm it and all have. I’m currently on 5 medications as well that
have all given me reasons to keep going. It’s not easy. But life took a positive
turn in January 2015. I took my first psychology class, and then I was hooked.
I needed to know more about the human condition. I needed to know more about
the brain. My brain. But it didn’t all come in just taking one class. Then
before I knew I had changed my major and I was a psychology major. I was so
interested in learning the why behind my actions and the actions of others that
I kept going. I’m in the 7th semester now and still going strong. My
reality is sometimes distorted but because of medical professionals, I can be
kept safe from myself.
From my own
life experience, I don’t want anyone to have to go through the living hell that
was my life from the time I was 9 years old and up. My philosophy is that we
need to education everyone single person from a young age because most of them
don’t know that how they are feeling isn’t normal. And we need to education the
parents of these kids because they are calling depression, and anxiety and ADHD
growing pains. I’ve heard too many stories and lost too many friends because
their parents and friends were uneducated on what to look for when their friend
or child is suicidal. I want everyone to know that they can live a full life
with mental illness. Being 16 and feeling sad and ignored is not the end of
line. There is so much more to live for beyond high school. There is so much to
live for period. I find in college that people are more willing to go to the
doctor to get diagnosed because no one else is saying that what they feel is
normal. My goal as a health psychologist to help other people see that though,
yes, I have bipolar disorder, I can still do amazing things. I’m not done yet.
I’ve had set backs and I take extra time and I need extra support but that
doesn’t mean I can’t succeed!
Everyone
needs to be heard. Everyone needs to feel like they matter. For myself, my goal
is to impact as many people as I can. And I know won’t save everyone that comes
through my doors. But I can do my darnedest to try! This world has so much
beauty in it and too many people get caught in the everyday battle that they
forget to look at the stars and marvel at what a glorious miracle it is that we
are even in existence. Since my diagnosis, it has been so important to me to have
those moments where I can contempt my existence in the grand scheme of things.
That I, as one person, can affect the world and change people and give them
hope and purpose! I feel so grateful the purpose I have because without it, I
would not be here. I wouldn’t be in school, I wouldn’t have the friends I do
and I wouldn’t love the people I do. I would be a decaying mess in the ground. Life
is hard. So hard. Like unbelievably hard. But in the end. I get to see my
children grow up, I get to be mom, I get to watch people change and grow and
learn and love. I get to see the stars in the sky and watch the seasons change.
I get to do face and hair masks and bubble baths! I get to read my favorite
books and climb mountains. I get to swim in oceans and see the wonders of the
world. All with having a brain that functions a little differently than yours.
And I can do it just as well as you can. Everyone can be successful with mental
illness. Everyone can love with mental illness. Everyone can matter. Period.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
On the Struggle Bus
So I decided to start fresh from my other past blogs and create something new!
But I'm gonna be flat out honest.
I have bipolar disorder.
I'm overweight.
I'm Mormon.
I've made mistakes.
And sometimes I hate myself.
Since I was 11, I've always had a fear of not being able to have children. When other girls were getting their periods and I wasn't I was concerned. But my other body parts developed normally so I forgot about it for a while until I was 15 and recieved something called a Patriarchal blessing from my church. In it discussing a range of topics, from my career, to my husband to my children to how i'm going to impact the world. All wonderful things.
Except the part about my children. It has always left me kind of worried that they won't be mine. BUt at 15 I wasn't that concerned, my period hadn't started yet but lots of girls start late don't they?
And so it had been a passing topic. I would have a period that lasts no more than 2 daysif it even lasted that long at all and would go 9 months to a year without one at all. By the time I was 18 I knew something was up. I have remember in 5th grade going through sex ed and they told us that if you don't have a kind of normal period by the time you were 18 you should go talk to a doctor. Well at 18, I wasn't making the best of choices and ended up taking an emergency morning after pill. and that sparked a heay period that I hadn't had in a year and a half. And then I did it again two months later.
And that was 2 and half years ago.
That's right. I haven't had a period in 2 and a half years.
About a month ago I decided that I needed to figure out all of this period stuff. So I made an appointment.
On our second meeting with my new gynocologist. we did a vaginal ultrasound to see that that they couldn't see my ovaries. and then I was physically examined and other than my uterine lining being rather thick there wasn't anything wrong with me. They drew blood to check my horomones and everything was normal.
and So now I've been on birth control for a month and I'm on the blanks week and its three days in and I still do not have a period. What does this mean?
Will I not have children?
Was being told at 15 that there might be problems a warning that I could get used to it? Honestly I was hoping for some closure when I went to the doctor. That there was a clear reason as to why I'm not have a period. because of you don't have a period that means that you aren't ovulating which means you can't ever get pregnant. Which is a terrifying thought that at 21, I could be infertile.
Although I'm trying to keep my head and be calm, that realization isn't easy to overcome.
Who knows. We will see. I still have 4 days of the blanks so maybe I'll get one then. If not I'll have to call my doctor. I'm nervous.
But I'm gonna be flat out honest.
I have bipolar disorder.
I'm overweight.
I'm Mormon.
I've made mistakes.
And sometimes I hate myself.
Since I was 11, I've always had a fear of not being able to have children. When other girls were getting their periods and I wasn't I was concerned. But my other body parts developed normally so I forgot about it for a while until I was 15 and recieved something called a Patriarchal blessing from my church. In it discussing a range of topics, from my career, to my husband to my children to how i'm going to impact the world. All wonderful things.
Except the part about my children. It has always left me kind of worried that they won't be mine. BUt at 15 I wasn't that concerned, my period hadn't started yet but lots of girls start late don't they?
And so it had been a passing topic. I would have a period that lasts no more than 2 daysif it even lasted that long at all and would go 9 months to a year without one at all. By the time I was 18 I knew something was up. I have remember in 5th grade going through sex ed and they told us that if you don't have a kind of normal period by the time you were 18 you should go talk to a doctor. Well at 18, I wasn't making the best of choices and ended up taking an emergency morning after pill. and that sparked a heay period that I hadn't had in a year and a half. And then I did it again two months later.
And that was 2 and half years ago.
That's right. I haven't had a period in 2 and a half years.
About a month ago I decided that I needed to figure out all of this period stuff. So I made an appointment.
On our second meeting with my new gynocologist. we did a vaginal ultrasound to see that that they couldn't see my ovaries. and then I was physically examined and other than my uterine lining being rather thick there wasn't anything wrong with me. They drew blood to check my horomones and everything was normal.
and So now I've been on birth control for a month and I'm on the blanks week and its three days in and I still do not have a period. What does this mean?
Will I not have children?
Was being told at 15 that there might be problems a warning that I could get used to it? Honestly I was hoping for some closure when I went to the doctor. That there was a clear reason as to why I'm not have a period. because of you don't have a period that means that you aren't ovulating which means you can't ever get pregnant. Which is a terrifying thought that at 21, I could be infertile.
Although I'm trying to keep my head and be calm, that realization isn't easy to overcome.
Who knows. We will see. I still have 4 days of the blanks so maybe I'll get one then. If not I'll have to call my doctor. I'm nervous.
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